Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
You Might Also Like
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
never compromise your values
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Flowers bee like
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.