(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
This meal prepping shit is easy
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now