@OneFunnyMummy How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
@VaguelyFunnyDan (confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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@OneFunnyMummy 
@TweetsofCooper When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
@TFNoir 🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
@Godhatespants Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
@LanieLalaBugs If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
@TheAlexNevil [first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
@QwertyJones3 “My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
@Darlainky If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
@DanielAda1960 Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
@Tmoney68 *pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”