@VaguelyFunnyDan

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

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@TweetsofCooper

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

@TFNoir

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

@LanieLalaBugs

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

@TheAlexNevil

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

@QwertyJones3

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

@Darlainky

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

@DanielAda1960

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

@Tmoney68

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”