(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

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When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.


🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶


Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*


If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??


[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]


“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”


If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.


Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.


*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”