Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too