Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I’m literally crying
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
fourth time’s the charm
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme