Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
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Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Bed should get ready for ME
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
this chia pet tastes awful
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”