Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
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Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.