Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
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no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.