Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
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Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
This is my pinned tweet
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best