Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If you love someone, let them sleep.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.