Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: how are you
Friday: good
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
listen closely
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple