Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
me: my friends:
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch