@Smethanie The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
@Home_Halfway Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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@Smethanie 
@JillianKarger DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
@iAmJuddy You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
@causticbob USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
@Playing_Dad If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
@Gre_Gone [Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
@KattsDogma All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
@NikatNiteNite My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
@dubstep4dads Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
@canadasandra Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.