Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Blew my mind.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.