@Home_Halfway

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@theDanLawler

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

@electrolemon

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

@imdaintyaf

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

@KatieBurnett

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

@PAT_E_ROCK

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

@sixfootcandy

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.