Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
You Might Also Like
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be