Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be