Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Bed should get ready for ME
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
i think we should see other cousins
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
This is the best one I’ve seen
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist