@YoungNobler

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

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@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@That_Damn_Duck

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

@notmythirdrodeo

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

@naazihah

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

@MichaelTrying

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

@clichedout

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.