Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules


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Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it


Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.


Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.


[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*


Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.