Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.