Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
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[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo