Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
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One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Social distancing in Australia:
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.