Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
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Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit