Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
why isn’t he texting back
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
🤣🤣🤣
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.