Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I have a type: disappointing
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
? 💀
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people