Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Florida man
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.