congratulations to them
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ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.