ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
True.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.