It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?


Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.


I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.


Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably


I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break


babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me


It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.


[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba