@KalvinMacleod

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

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@mzeld

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

@slimmy_shady

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

@sa1martha

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

@TheBoydP

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

@murrman5

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

@Prof_Hinkley

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

@GaryLineker

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba