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“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.


Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run


2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.


Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~


It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.


FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is


[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER


He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.


Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.