Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@aka_fatman

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

@slackerjorge

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

@ObscureGent

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

@junejuly12

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

@Midgetspar

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

@ItsAndyRyan

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

@samalmightysam

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

@david8hughes

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

@briancthayer

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.