CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.