[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.