*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Somebody’s lying.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good