Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My flabber has been gasted.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I would like even faster food.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.