Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Sunday
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.