@CyrusOMerican Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
@nicfit75 Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
You Might Also Like
@CyrusOMerican 
@Cheeseboy22 If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
@therepoguy If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
@obviousplant_ Catering service
@AmericanGent69 Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
@ScaryMommy No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
@sirjoancornella 
@joe_binkley (Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
@Molly_Kats A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
@SomeChrisTweets WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!