@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

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@kentgrossarth

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

@CloydRivers

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

@ScottLinnen

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

@velvettusk

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

@Clanopath

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.