@kentgrossarth Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
@nicfit75 Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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@kentgrossarth 
@ieatanddrink A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
@Aspersioncast “This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
@CloydRivers Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
@WilliamAder Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
@ScottLinnen Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
@velvettusk A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
@UncleDuke1969 “Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
@dumbbeezie Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
@Clanopath If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.