@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

You Might Also Like

@Cheeseboy22

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

@AmericanGent69

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

@joe_binkley

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@SomeChrisTweets

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!