Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.