Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Batman v Dracula
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Look at this
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho