Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now