Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.