[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad