Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL