[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
is this store having a stroke wtf
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!