[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Body by sandwich.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Before & after 😅
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.