-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
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“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Kentucky names the shit out of places