constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
The Others (2001)
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.