construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
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Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Oh, I bet you would be
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien