“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

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No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”


Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.


Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !


I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.


[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]


You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog


Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.


Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?


When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail


You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.