“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
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i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
When someone says you are so lazy
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.