“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
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If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
The three genders
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.