Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The booster protects against what, now?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?