“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.