Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.