contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Genius idea!!
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Someone just threatened to call me later
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
⛄️
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”