[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂