CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“The Perfect Relationship”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Me, flirting😏
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.