contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Happy thanksgiving
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night