God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
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is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*