CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?