Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up