@aneesa_p

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

@Book_Krazy

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

@TheFirstDudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

@Tbone7219

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@whimsik_l

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

@iamspacegirl

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

@E_lok44

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

@weinerdog4life

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.