Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Danger is very dangerous
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager