Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

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Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.


Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.


I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.


My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”


You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.


Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.


My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.


You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.


One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous


Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.