Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
You Might Also Like
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
The happy life.. 😊
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.